But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously

When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper

So late last night I began

I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty and then open my browser

I think Wikipedia put it best when they said Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League university in Hanover New Hampshire United States

Thank you and good luck

To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns

In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP

Yes, I've done my research

This college was named after the second Earl of Dartmouth. A good friend of the 3rd Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty

Your school motto is Vox clematis in deserto

Which means voice crying out in the wilderness

This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard

Apparently it narrowly beat out silently weeping in thick shrub

and whimpering in voice leave without pants